We’ve had the misfortune of attending multiple office holiday parties over the years. And if there’s one common theme it’s that multiple people will contribute in making the whole thing suck. These ten especially…
1) The Sloppy Close Talking Admin. Her eggnog breath isn’t quite as brutal as being forced to determine whether she’s trying to make out with you or just really wants to hammer home that her son has finally kicked his meth habit for good.
2) The Judgmental Sober Guy. In between casually reminding everyone he “doesn’t drink” like it’s his one-way ticket to heaven you notice him mouthing “six or seven?” to himself when you grab your eighth beer.
3) The Hot 24 Year-old Who Shows Up with Her Boyfriend. You were to understand this holiday party was going to be your best chance to bang her. Where did the douche in a pink polo come from?
4) The Mailroom Guy. The one event a year where he’s everyone’s equal. This occasion calls for his finest cubic zirconia earring and an extra taut ponytail.
5) The Married Co-Worker Who Gets Creepy after Three Beers. Steve Harmless drinks three beers and all of a sudden he’s grabbing asses, loudly guessing which chicks take it in the butt, and begging you to bolt with him to the strip club. Of course he doesn’t buy you even one of the lap dances he promised.
6) The Fat Lady Who Only Wants to Talk About Her New Year’s Resolution Diet. Despite the fact that the entire office just watched her chubby ass inhale a plate of Christmas themed sugar cookies.
7) The Divorced Guy Who’s Always Talking About His Hot Girlfriend. He’s really bullshit she can’t make it to the party because he wanted you to finally see for yourself what a piece of hot young ass he pulled. You assure him that seeing the used Jag he drives is evidence enough.
8 ) The New Kid Straight Out of College Who Challenges You to a Drink Off. And wins. Fuck that kid.
9) The Old Guy Who Thinks He’s One of the Young Guys. You almost feel bad for hazing him after you watch his wife carry him to the car. Almost.
10) Yourself. For spending WAY too long talking to the office warpig, only to realize everyone has noticed after you’ve already made up your mind to bang her.
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