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One of the truths you come to learn in life is that there are many cool looks David Hasselhoff can pull off that you simply cannot. Despite how unfair that may be — much like a receding hairline — it’s simply something you have to come to grips with. Here are several examples:

The Eye Patch. We operated under the impression that the Hoff lost an eye in a freak cigar accident for roughly two years after seeing this look.

Cuddling with Two Puppies. How does he look so masculine when you’d look so gay?

Cuddling with Two Puppies Naked. The Hoff needed to make it clear how much he owns you.

The Speedo / Leather Jacket Combo. You have neither the chest hair nor the package to pull this off.

Camo Shorts. Remember that time you tried on a pair and looked like a goon? Yeah, the Hoff didn’t have that problem.

Drunk and Shirtless Eating a Cheeseburger. Before we watched this video it would have been impossible to believe someone could pull this off with such class and dignity. Just score another one for the Hoff.

The Anaconda 3 Poster. If there’s another mutha in showbiz who’d look like they’re taking this role so seriously we’re not aware of him.

The 70′s Drug Kingpin Look. The Hoff dominates a Pimps & Hos party like no other.

The Sleeveless T-Shirt. Unlike you, the Hoff is prepared to hand out season passes to the gun show every time he slips one of these bad boys on.

Rocking a T-Shirt That References You in Third Person. For starters, your last name isn’t all that pun worthy. And no one is printing t-shirts about you.

Posing with Gary Coleman. Gary looked much more militant that time you had your picture taken with him in front of a car dealership.

The Lifeguard Look. No one ever starts singing “I’ll be there…” to themselves when they see you holding a red buoy over your shoulder.  

Looking Surprised on a Rope Swing. That’s all talent folks. No way around it.

Practicing Chipping in Drag. Chipping in drag is easy, doing it in front of a cardboard cutout of yourself is the hard part.

And Crying on American Idol. How is it that your friends would still be calling you a homo if you’d teared up on Idol, yet the Hoff seems all the more awesome for it?

It’s good to be the king, folks. It’s good to be the king.

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