The Ryder Cup is a tremendous event, but being in the fall it’s almost always overshadowed by football. If Team USA and Team Europe genuinely want to create more buzz around the Ryder Cup they need not look any further than professional wrestling for help. Here are a few WWE elements that would make the Ryder Cup way more awesome.
1) Pre-Match Trash Talking
For the Ryder Cup to appeal to the masses the first thing it needs to do is become more adversarial. Enough of the cordiality already. How much more intriguing would each match be if every participant was required to go on a WWE-style rant from the clubhouse prior to teeing off? We’re thinking a lot of the following:
- Rehearsed catchphrases.
- Challenges of manhood.
- Ridiculing the competition’s homeland.
- Claiming to have banged the other golfer’s wife.
- Repeated use of “Candy Ass” and “Suck It!”
Just picture it. David Feherty timidly holding a mike out in front of Padraig Harrington, while Harrington calls Phil Mickelson “a no-finishing chubby bastard who’d get his ass kicked within five minutes of stepping foot in Dublin.”
And then the camera would cut to Mickelson asking whether Harrington was too drunk to compete today. This stuff writes itself.
2) More Heels
How much more interested in the Ryder Cup would you be if you saw Sergio grab his nuts at the crowd after hitting a big putt? They should require him to grow out his evil goatee prior to the event. Ian Poulter should get in on the heel action too. That guy was born to be disliked.
The whole dynamic would probably work best if the Ryder Cup required the visiting team to embody every negative stereotype during the event. When in the US, Team Europe would be required to bitch about the lack of culture and yell at the spectators to go back to their trailers. And when in Europe, Team USA would be required to keep asking where they keep the regular food and point and giggle whenever they see a female with hairy pits.
3) Hotter Ladies
Let’s face it. The wives and girlfriends of the Ryder Cup golfers just aren’t holding up their end of the eye candy bargain, especially with Elin Woods sitting 2008 out. This predicament requires increased implants and treadmill use. Stat!
It’s still pretty warm out. Would it be too much to ask for Amy Mickelson to rock a two piece in the gallery?
4) Team Captain Becoming Team Managers
Why do the Ryder Cup captains have to be such glorified cheerleaders? If they have a distinct opportunity to give their team an advantage, why shouldn’t they take it?
How refreshing would it be to see Azinger distract a rules official while Kenny Perry moved his ball from a divot? How much fun would it be to debate with your friends whether or not Nick Faldo was the person who screamed, “Pussy!” in Justin Leonard’s backswing?
5) The Tag Team Element
If the Ryder Cup is going to open up with foursome matches they should embrace the old school tag team element. Why not allow Stewart Cink to tag in Chad Campbell if he’s just not feeling his wedge? A phantom leg trip and eye gouge here and there wouldn’t hurt either.
6) Animated Announcers
The broadcast needs more energy, kind of like the Jerry Lawler / Jim Ross dynamic. This would require Johnny Miller to ratchet up his obnoxious contrarian sentiments even further and Jimmy Roberts to scream, “Son of a bitch!” after every made Euro birdie.
7) Cooler Outfits
Is this a sporting event or a GQ shoot? How about some capes and face paint and luchador masks? How’s the audience supposed to believe these guys are amped up for this thing when they’re dressed for a board meeting?
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