Right now NBC and ESPN and every self important asshole with a microphone is trying to convince you that Michael Phelps is one of the greatest athletes of all time. From what we can gather this has something to do with China and swimming and gold medals, but we’re not real big on current events so we don’t have all the details.
We do know that we’ll never be able to include a guy whose athletic accomplishments all involve speedos and sharing bodies of water with other men on a list with guys like Jordan, Ali, and Kobayashi. Phelps is obviously extremely good at what he does (kind of like we’re extremely good at making semi-clever, semi-obvious observations and recording them on a website), but we’re not buying him as an all-timer.
The thing about Phelps though is that there are a lot of other reasons you really should like the guy, reasons loser journalists forget to include because they’re busy gushing over his Kevin Costner impersonation. Lucky for you we’re around. The real reasons you should like Michael Phelps:
1) His Dad’s a Cop. Phelps isn’t some country club douchebag who is better than everyone else at a niche sport because he grew up with an Olympic size pool in his backyard. Phelps’s dad worked for the Maryland State Police and his mom is a middle school principal.
2) He Eats Like Booth. It’s impossible not to discover a newfound respect for the guy after reading his daily eating routine. It’s intense. And would be too much for most NFL linemen. The best part is it’s not like he eats just a ton of healthy food. Highlights include fried egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, chocolate chip pancakes, energy drinks, and entire pizzas.
3) He’s Unassuming. Let’s face it, the guy’s a little goofy. But that’s a good thing. We’d all feel weird if he looked like a Calvin Klein model every time he climbed out of the pool.
4) He Also Thinks Ohio State Sucks. He attended Michigan, so we can safely assume he doesn’t want to see the Buckeyes in another national championship game either.
5) He Grew Evil Facial Hair. This may actually be Phelps’s diabolical twin, Steve, but from all published accounts it’s Michael himself.
6) He’ll Drink a Beer. One of the few things we don’t condone is drunk driving, and Phelps was busted for it a few years ago. He will have a beer though, which is more than we can say for the pansy ass swimmers we ran into in college. Those guys were Zima or bust. (Update: Phelps may actually sponsor beer as well.)
7) He Hates the French. How excited was he to beat those cocky, shit-talking frog eaters? Check out this picture.
8 ) Chad Johnson Challenged Him to a Race. In the pool. We’ve done such a 180 on Ocho Cinco we really enjoy that Phelps is indirectly making him look like an idiot.
9) He’s Kind of a Spaz. Phelps has ADHD. It’s like the hi-def version of regular ADD. He’s definitely eaten a crayon or two.
10) He Probably Banged Amanda Beard. Our friends at Cuzoogle uncovered this photo of Phelps and Beard. It’s a bit of conjecture on our part, but we’re almost certain Beard took the ferry to Poundtown later that night. (Update: Even more Phelps mack daddy action.)
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