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After months of keeping the football world in suspense, the Chicago Bears announced yesterday that Kyle Orton will be their starting quarterback (Grossman supporters, eat a dong). There are more reasons than we can count that you’d want Kyle Orton under center for your team, here are a few of our favorites…

He’s Mysterious. You don’t want some boring asshole like Peyton Manning representing your team. That guy has looked the same since high school. Orton knows how to switch it up and keep you guessing. Just when you think you know all the answers, he changes the questions.

He Supports the US Economy. Whether it’s Coke Classic, Jack Daniels, or homegrown working girls, Orton relentlessly goes America all over everybody’s asses.

His Hip T-Shirt Knowledge. If there’s one thing Orton can do — other than underthrow an open receiver — it’s rock a money retro t-shirt. Busted Coverage has even more examples.

He’s Kid Friendly. Check out the sprained finger he got signing autographs at the children’s hospital.

He’ll Bartend Your Engagement Party. It’s not about the side cash; it’s about celebrating the love two people share for one another.

He Parties Like It’s New Year’s. Even when it’s not New Year’s. The guy is the anti-wet blanket.

He’s Evidence You Can Look Good in a Toboggan. Just use the Orton example the next time your girlfriend gives you shit for wearing one.

He’ll Inspire You to Pursue Your Pro Football Dream. You read all this garbage about what finely tuned specimens athletes are, their bodies are their temples, blah, blah, blah. What a bunch of horseshit. We’re pretty sure you look just like this with your shirt off.

He’s Not Rex Grossman. And while we don’t quite understand the anti-Rex sentiment, Kyle not being Rex means a lot to many Bears fans. As far as we’re concerned the earth should have spun off its axis years ago as a result of the collision of awesomeness between Orton and Grossman in Chicago.

Here’s to grabbing a seat on the Bears’ bandwagon before they’re all taken.

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