Carmelo Anthony’s DUI arrest the other night got us to thinking about how pro athletes rarely ever seem to achieve the happy medium between stone cold sober and absolutely shitfaced. It’s all or nothing. And accordingly, we’ve decided to compile the reasons why.
Modern athletes can’t handle their booze BECAUSE:
“We have a deal!” Much like the pact humans have with pigeons (where pigeons get out of our way and we in turn disregard their statue defecation, as outlined by our mentor George Costanza), the average guy has a silent pact with pro athletes where we can drink three times as many beers as them and they can bang lingerie models with little to no effort.
Wade Boggs already drank his share and every other athletes share through 2025.
Unlike you and us, the modern athlete hits the gym twice a day and owns a hyperbaric chamber. Booze is a complete and debilitating shock to their system. That’s why in college the soccer player always had a penis drawn on his face by 1 AM.
Canadians and Germans were never meant to party together. It’s just unnatural.
Who wouldn’t want to buy Kyle Orton a shot? That dude’s DNA is like concentrated good times.
Booze leads to crotch thrusting karaoke sessions. And no one needs that on their resume.
Guys like Big Braindead have ruined it for the rest of them.
Booze leads to crippling forehead shininess. Makeup artists don’t follow you off the set of commercial shoots.
They might end up dry humping two white chicks on stage. And your legacy is never quite the same after that.