We’re out of town for another wedding the next few days. In honor of that, we’d like to share a few tips on how we get by during such an occasion…
Never. Stop. Drinking. If you didn’t see this one coming, you have ZERO shot at being awesome at your next wedding.
Set the tone early. From day one, make it clear to everyone that you party the hardest. One sure fire way is to stay up all night the first night and stumble into the next morning’s breakfast shirtless and disoriented (aka “pulling a JK”).
Bring a hooker (literal or figurative) as your date. Whether you meet some skeez there or you bring some chick from back home known as “The Dumpster”, your invite said “and guest” so you need to take advantage. Bring a literal or figurative hooker and A) getting laid won’t be an issue, and B) you won’t give a shit what she thinks when you disappear for eight hours at a time or if you decide you don’t feel like driving her home.
Get to know the locals. Whether you’re in Canada, Mexico, or Boca Raton, make it a point to get a taste of that local flavor. Best place to start: hometown gentleman’s club.
Give a rehearsal dinner toast that’s truly awesome. Your speech should include some or all of the following: naming how many chicks the groom has banged; naming how many dudes the bride has banged; making it abundantly clear that one of the two “settled”; incorporate a racial slur; call the bride by the wrong name; discuss how everyone was pretty sure that (insert bride’s name here) would have almost certainly died an old maid if (insert groom’s name here) hadn’t come along.
Party with the one family alcoholic. Either the bride or the groom has one aunt or uncle with “the disease”. Sniff this person out and get them going. Make a game of how quickly you can get them to make a public scene (i.e. screaming match, furniture destruction, and/or whipping out his or her genitalia).
Talk your married friends into doing things against their better judgment. Hide their cell phones and convince them that some bar down the road has the best oysters in the universe. Get them drinking and time will pass at a rapid rate. Your end goal: their spouse hunting down their location and physically dragging them from the bar.
Ask old ladies to dance. Make your rounds, boogie with as many old broads as possible. They’ll eat up the attention and one or two is guaranteed to get their freak on. Nothing will make someone more uncomfortable than seeing their mom ride you like a donkey on the dance floor. And who knows? You might even hook up.
Heckle the bride. Brides often need to develop a mental toughness during the festivities. Consider yourself the Earl Woods of this multiple day affair. Challenge her beauty, her use of vocabulary, and her fashion sense on a regular basis. She’ll be all the better for it when it’s time to strut down the aisle.